Honest “Dear Abby”

Dear Abby,
How do I best reprimand my toddler when he is misbehaving in social situations?

The most important thing to remember when dealing with your toddler is that they are imbeciles.  It is totally normal and they can’t help it.  Unfortunately, their arsewholery is capable of driving even the most sane person to drink before noon. Treat the behavior as rationally and calmly as you are capable of at that moment.  Whatever you do, don’t make excuses for their behavior to other people.  They are a toddler, that’s the only excuse you need.  

Dear Abby,
I want to sell my postpartum underwear because I (can’t believe it!) fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes just minutes after giving birth.  How did I do this tactfully?

You don’t.  If you like and want to keep your friends, I suggest both your underpants and your tale of impossible luck stay locked in the closet.  However, keep the key.  If you ever have another baby, you’ll need those undies again as God isn’t that generous the second time around.

Dear Abby,
How do I effectively limit screen time with my kids?  

Get rid of all your phones, tablets and TVs.  That’s the only effective way to limit screen time.  Short of that, throw them outside every time the clock strikes an even number.  Only let them back in if they are hypothermic or bleeding.

Dear Abby,
Should I get a pet for my child to teach them about responsibility?

The answer is an emphatic “no.”  Children will spend about as much time caring for that pet as they do caring for that fidget-spinner they begged you for last year.  If you are looking for something they need to remember to feed everyday or it will die to teach responsibility, try a sourdough starter.

Dear Abby,
My baby (15 months) still will not sleep through the night.  What will help?

Try lowering your expectations from your baby sleeping through the night at 15 months, to your “baby” sleeping through the night at 15 years old.  

Dear Abby,
How do I deal with the mom-shaming?  It seems like no matter what I do as a parent, someone is there to tell me that I am doing it wrong.

Surround yourself with people that have 3 or more kids.  They don’t judge as their only goal is just to make it through each day alive.


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