Modern Timetable

4:35am: Wake up with great certainly that someone is braking into the house

4:36am: Discover that no one is breaking into the house

4:36.5am: Question sanity

4:37am: Consider getting that workout out of the way early since you are already up

4:37.5am: Reconsider

6:30am: Wake up again when someone belonging to you is actually breaking in – to your bed that is

6:32am: Turn on TV to buy a Peppa Pig episode’s worth of extra sleep

6:42am: Find that you watched the entire episode instead of sleeping

7:01am: Feed apparently STARVING children a healthy breakfast

7:12am:  Clear untouched plates and feed second carb-based breakfast

7:20am:  Wonder why you never invested in a 4 slice toaster oven

7:30am:  Opt for carb-based breakfast yourself, while making mental plans for a salad for lunch

8:00am:  Crap!!  It’s 8 already?!?!

8:10am:  Yell at kids to get ready for school

8:20am:  Repeat

8:30am:  Repeat

8:40am:  Repeat with threats

8:41 – 9:20am:  School run and coffee run

9:30am:  More coffee

10:00am: Play with toddler

10:01am: Think about all the things you should be doing instead of playing with toddler

10:02am: Stress about all the things not getting done around the house

10:03am: Wonder about that career you gave up to do all these things around the house….and play with toddler

10:04am: Worry about what career you will have after toddler is no longer a toddler

10:05am: Question all your life’s choices

10:06am: Look at happy toddler and be happy about life choices

10:07am: Be sad that toddler is growing up so fast

10:08am: Consider having another baby

10:09am: Resolve to get a dog instead

10:10am: Begin researching dogs on iPhone

10:11am: Have iPhone taken by toddler

10:12am – 12:25pm: Survive

12:30pm: Eat lunch of toast crusts left behind by kids – remember forgotten salad plans, workout plans and plans to personally end gun violence in America

12:31pm: Naptime!

1:31pm:  Toddler asleep.  Question if the hour’s long effort is worth the 40 minute nap, then create a list of all things that NEED to get done while that child naps

1:32pm:  Fall asleep on pen, droll on “to do” list

2:10pm: Everyone up!  Head to grocery store for dinner supplies

3:00pm: Empty bags to find you bought only wine and 7 different types of now eaten snacks used to bribe toddler to get through the market

3:15pm:  Pick up kids and start the mental countdown until bedtime – 5 hours to go!

4:30pm: While kids play, consider running a marathon, finally getting around to making a sourdough starter, and/or writing a manifesto that will end the Syrian refugee crisis

4:32pm: Find toddler with dirty diaper and lice in daughter’s hair

6:05pm: Lice crisis solved!  Now time to consider a plan to gain support for impeachment of the President

6:07pm: Crap dinner!  Make dinner, feed dinner, pour wine – you earned it!

6:35pm: Make mental list of all the things you need to do the second your spouse gets home.  Be proud of how productive you will be

6:40pm: Spouse home, start dishes, start homework, forget about productivity list

8:00pm: Crap!  It’s 8 already?!?

8:01pm – 8:35pm: Fight to get kids ready and into bed

8:40pm: Revisit productivity list

8:41pm: Decide to spend last hour of the day founding a charity that leads to world peace

8:42pm: Decide on watch tv instead

8:43pm: Fall asleep on sofa





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