The Depths of My Sympathy as Measured by the Stupid Stuff My Kids Keeping Doing to Injure Themselves (in chart form)

Untitled drawingHonestly, can we really be expected to dig deep in our hearts and say, “Oh sweetheart, I know that I have told you 8 billion times to sit still at the dinner table or you will fall, and yet, you didn’t sit still, and, shockingly, you fell, just like you do every single time you try to seemingly perform a high intensity break dance routine for no apparent reason during every meal.  But, no bother, come let me hurl your 30+ pound body onto my lap, knock over all of my meal in the process, to give you a sympathetic hug.”

Grandparents, maybe?  Though I suspect that if the grandparent was the one to actually tell the child the 8 billion times to stop doing things that are so ridiculously stupid and carry a 100% injury rate, that they too, would be ripping their hair out, rather than collecting the snotty tears of their grandchild in it.

Perhaps it is only my kids that harbor a dangerous combination of carefree-ism, sub-par listening skills and extreme clumsiness.   When these traits meet in one child, there is no end to the bumps, bruises and scraps to be had.  I gave up a long time ago on this idea that you can “meet them where they are at,” “if they are going to fall, teach them to fall safely,” and all that proper parenting nonsense.  Toddler and primary school kids (and maybe some men up to the age of 60) don’t listen to logic and certainly don’t put a plan in place to prevent injury before going balls out into whatever hazardous situation that seems fit.

My previous modus operandi was to lose my shit and yell.  Unfortunately, it seems that there is only so many times you can call your kids “morons” before you start to feel like one yourself.  So, in the interest of sympathy and sanity saving, I have devised a few cheaply homemade safety devices – most involving a belt for some reason..:

The “any age” Highchair – works on all types of chairs!

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The Joey – Remember that episode of Friends where Joey puts on all of Chandler’s clothes?  Yeah, do that.

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Face Protector (for indoor and outdoor use) – all you need is some old pillows and a belt!

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Stair Climber – it’s not even close to the size of Mt Everest, but the injury rate seems to be about the same

*Look for carabiner clip in old party bags or husband’s junk drawer

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Good luck!

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