The Pigeon that Keeps Shitting at my Door Step is Actually a Russian Spy

Screen Shot 2017-03-26 at 5.27.49 PMPigeons are disgusting creatures.  They are ugly, stupid, full of nasty plague-like diseases and are freaking everywhere.  When I first moved into my house, about 4 billion of these flying rodents lived, pooped and flew into my glass door daily.   It took a removal of nearly every tree they could sit in or nest in to limit the amount of poo in the garden to reasonable levels (virtually none).  It had seemed that this total destruction of their natural habitat combined with me screaming at them while banging pots and pans had led to a détente.  The flying rats made their babies elsewhere in peace and only occasionally flew by us on their way to the billions of miles of uninhabited bird-friendly land around us.  This was until this week, when the atom bomb of poo fell upon us, rendering our peace-agreement officially broken.

One sunny and hopeful morning, I opened the front doors to a pancake-sized splatter of poo shaped ironically like a middle finger.  I must stress, that in order to actually hit the exact spot where my feet would instinctively plant themselves upon exiting my front door, takes flexibility, agility, skill and motive.  This was not a bird simply flying above our abode to visit some pigeon friends by the river.  No, this gutter bird had to fly under the front door cover while maintaining the prefect height for maximum poo splatter.  Every morning since, a fresh pile awaits my feet.  At first I thought, this pigeon must have once studied the art of human antagonization with Rat Mother Fucker (see short story), but his particular methods and execution could have only been taught by the GRU.

Logic train that lead to this conclusion:

  • Desire to reclaim land that once belonged to his bird-kind
  • Desire to upset established peace and order
  • Physiological operations to break down their enemy
  • Coercing Mo Willams into writing pigeon propaganda books for children to make themselves look lovable and innocent
  • Heard tweeting the Russian national anthem after midnight
  • Actually tweeting to @therealdonaldtrump

The whole thing is shady and a big mess that I hope someone else can clean up (Merkel?!).

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