Two Year Old Screening
1. Does your toddler follow simple directions? (e.g. Go get your jacket, Bring me your toy)
No, I shout orders at him all day and he stars at me blankly and proceeds to do whatever he wants.
2. Can your child use a fork?
Does he actually have to eat the food he stabs with a fork to answer “yes”?
3. If you stack some blocks, does your toddler copy?
Yes, but first he knocks down the blocks, does three laps around the house, asks for water, asks for a snack, then stacks the blocks.
4. Does you child dress himself?
No, my 6 year old doesn’t even dress herself without me nagging at her constantly.
5. Can your toddler say 4 word sentences? Give some examples:
“No, it’s not bedtime.”
“I don’t want it.”
“Mine, that is mine.”
“I want more cake.”
6. Does your child have a favorite toy?
Yes, my sanity. He likes to play with it often.
Medical Check Up
1. What do you do for work?
Chase children, keep them from killing themselves.
2. Does your work involve staring at a computer screen for several hours in a day?
Does watching your child watch Peppa Pig on your iPhone count?
3. Is your job stressful?
Only like 99.9% of the time.
4. How much alcohol do you drink in a week?
2-3 glasses of wine on the weekend. Wait… if there has been a sleepover, it’s more like 7-8 glasses. Is this a week that the kids are off-school? 10-12 glasses. Did I have to cook and clean for visitors? 12-13 glasses. Was there a school project due this week? Was there a school play this week we had to sit through? Did the kids fight a lot this week you are speaking of? Let’s just go with 20.
5. How would you judge you average mental state?
Great, bad, perfect, horrible, happy, sad, elated, deflated every hour.
6. Are you experiencing any pain or have chronic pain?
Yes, 3 of them. Two boys and one girl.